"My child is so stubborn"

"My child is so stubborn", how many times have I heard that from both parents and the not so aware professional. Can a child with any kind of developmental disabilities be wantonly stubborn??

The other day, I heard this from a family member and I said, "give me an example of when he is stubborn". The reply I get is, "he can say appa but never says it when I ask him to" ??!! Did you forget the diagnosis? He's practically non-verbal. Yes, sometimes neurons fire right, sometimes they don't. Sometimes he can say a word, sometimes he can't. 

Now if you think this is bad enough, another mother tells me that the speech therapist and occupational therapist are complaining that the child has become very stubborn after the vacation and refuses to work. Excuse me! But isn't that why the child is in therapy? Because he cannot always respond like a neurotypical? How does it help if you send the child back to the mother with a "complaint"? And yes, this post is aimed more at these therapist than any parent (if it is not too beneath them to read this).

There can be many reasons why a child refuses to do what he is being asked to do. The most common reason is actually the simplest one - because he cannot to what you are asking him to do. No doubt he may have done that particular task before, but remember, the child has difficulties. He may still be in the process of learning the task. He may need you to start him off before he can take over and finish the task. He may be having an off day and cannot get the start, the sequence or the whole task. This can apply to speech, fine motor, social skills or any aspect of development.

The child with developmental difficulties is not learning speech/fine motor control/cognitive tasks in the same way as a neurotypical. He is learning it with a lot of effort, after multiple tries and very often in a different way. Only he knows what effort he has made to say "appa" or to sit at the desk and work during a session. He needs to work at it over and over again before it becomes second nature to him and for some it may never become second nature. It may remain forever hard.

Is the child any less because of it? Of course not! Unlike you, he's getting back on the horse no matter how many times he falls off. If he is stubborn, it is in a good way because he hasn't given up despite all your attempts to brow beat him into being the way you want him to be.

Another reason why the child may refuse to do an activity could be because the Individual Education Program (IEP) planned for him is totally inappropriate. You may be attempting a task that he is not ready for. Any goal that is set for a child needs to be appropriately planned for and at the appropriate developmental level of the child. You can't expect the child to do something just because it is age appropriate. He may be chronologically 4 but developmentally 2 years old. Rethink your IEP if you are persistently having difficulties getting your child to do a particular task.

Always look for reasons why a child is not doing something before concluding on "bad behaviour" as the cause. And it is okay if you don't always find an answer. There may be none.