"Bad Boy!"

“Bad Boy!” “You are such a Bad Boy!” How many times have I heard a child being berated in this way? Way, way too many times. Not just by parents but also by the supposedly trained and educated professionals.

Would these same people like it when they are told that they are “BAD”? “You Bad Mum”, “You Bad Dad”, or better yet, “You Bad Therapist”.  How many of us are willing to take criticism with grace and dignity even when it is couched in diplomatic language? And yet we have no qualms about correcting our children in the most negative manner possible.

Is the person bad or the behavior bad? Why do we persist in labeling the child when it is the behavior we are unhappy with? We speak so much about not labeling the child at the time of diagnosis and speak about addressing the challenges instead. And yet, there is no hesitancy in using a label which is far worse than a diagnostic label of ASD.  

Let us briefly look at few characteristics of individuals on the autism spectrum.

1)     Individuals on the autism spectrum have a literal understanding of language. So when you say “Bad Boy” and think of how a child on the spectrum views this statement, it can take on a much more serious meaning than when a neurotypical child hears. Under no circumstances am I considering this a lesser crime when used with neurotypical children, but I am saying that the interpretations can be different for different children.

2)     Individuals with autism have poor social motivation. This means that they are generally not motivated to interact with others. Would they really want to interact with people calling them bad?

3)     Many individuals on the autism spectrum have echolalia. It is not uncommon for the child to turn around and call you bad. Or call someone else bad. Use the language you would like your child to speak.

4)     Many of them have high levels of anxiety. They feel anxious about any kind of social interaction even without the added pressure of being told that they are bad.

5)     Many high functioning children can have low self-esteem. Once they join school they also have to deal with bullying in school. The last thing they need is for their parents and care-givers adding to their problems.

When you are unhappy about your child’s behavior, it would help if you clearly state what it is you would like him to do. Stop and think through, what led to his behavior. Very often there is a reasonably good explanation. Maybe the child cannot say it to you in so many words, but careful, quiet observation on our part can help us understand why certain “bad” behavior occurs and we can always take steps to correct. And if you must use the word bad, it would be so much better to say, “bad behavior” instead of “bad boy”. Or what about saying, “that’s a naughty thing to do”.

"My child is so stubborn"

"My child is so stubborn", how many times have I heard that from both parents and the not so aware professional. Can a child with any kind of developmental disabilities be wantonly stubborn??

The other day, I heard this from a family member and I said, "give me an example of when he is stubborn". The reply I get is, "he can say appa but never says it when I ask him to" ??!! Did you forget the diagnosis? He's practically non-verbal. Yes, sometimes neurons fire right, sometimes they don't. Sometimes he can say a word, sometimes he can't. 

Now if you think this is bad enough, another mother tells me that the speech therapist and occupational therapist are complaining that the child has become very stubborn after the vacation and refuses to work. Excuse me! But isn't that why the child is in therapy? Because he cannot always respond like a neurotypical? How does it help if you send the child back to the mother with a "complaint"? And yes, this post is aimed more at these therapist than any parent (if it is not too beneath them to read this).

There can be many reasons why a child refuses to do what he is being asked to do. The most common reason is actually the simplest one - because he cannot to what you are asking him to do. No doubt he may have done that particular task before, but remember, the child has difficulties. He may still be in the process of learning the task. He may need you to start him off before he can take over and finish the task. He may be having an off day and cannot get the start, the sequence or the whole task. This can apply to speech, fine motor, social skills or any aspect of development.

The child with developmental difficulties is not learning speech/fine motor control/cognitive tasks in the same way as a neurotypical. He is learning it with a lot of effort, after multiple tries and very often in a different way. Only he knows what effort he has made to say "appa" or to sit at the desk and work during a session. He needs to work at it over and over again before it becomes second nature to him and for some it may never become second nature. It may remain forever hard.

Is the child any less because of it? Of course not! Unlike you, he's getting back on the horse no matter how many times he falls off. If he is stubborn, it is in a good way because he hasn't given up despite all your attempts to brow beat him into being the way you want him to be.

Another reason why the child may refuse to do an activity could be because the Individual Education Program (IEP) planned for him is totally inappropriate. You may be attempting a task that he is not ready for. Any goal that is set for a child needs to be appropriately planned for and at the appropriate developmental level of the child. You can't expect the child to do something just because it is age appropriate. He may be chronologically 4 but developmentally 2 years old. Rethink your IEP if you are persistently having difficulties getting your child to do a particular task.

Always look for reasons why a child is not doing something before concluding on "bad behaviour" as the cause. And it is okay if you don't always find an answer. There may be none.